A Box of Diapers and a Fork in the Road

I’m a mom. I love being a mom. And even though some days my life is barely controlled chaos (as life with three children under five tends to be), I love having my tribe of littles. My youngest (“Niblet”) is in that wonderful stage of babydom when everything is happiness and her personality is really starting to show itself. She is a cheerful and, for the most part, easy going baby girl. She’s pretty much the ideal type of baby, even if I do say so myself.

Recently Niblet finally outgrew her size 1 diapers, which left us with a box of size 1’s, completely unopened and ready to use, and a question. What do we do with this box? Every time before, if we had leftover diapers after one of the girls had outgrown a size, we just kept them because we knew we were planning on more kids. Diapers don’t expire, so we just stored them until we needed them again (though admittedly I don’t think we’ve ever had this many left over before). This time though, it’s not a sure thing. We have three great kids and the prospect of number four is not the certainty that numbers two and three were. I would be happy to add one more munchkin to the mix, but my husband isn’t so sure. At best, he’s still sort of ambivalent about the idea.

So what do we do with this box of diapers? For the moment, it’s sitting in our garage. I don’t want to get rid of it before we’ve come to a decision, since if we do have one more, we’ll most certainly use those diapers and diapers are expensive. Also, to me at least (and this very well may be some level of hormones talking), if I pass the diapers along to someone else it’s like saying, “Yeah, you know what, we are done,” and I don’t know that I’m there yet. Yes, I know that if we did end up with one more new baby it is easy to go out and buy a new box (and frankly, several new boxes) of diapers, but it’s the symbolism of the whole thing for me. The giving away of the box of diapers would be like an unspoken “The way is shut!” in my mind. Granted, we will probably need to make up our minds here relatively soon, since we want to be done with the whole business of making new babies by the time we’re 30, but for now it’s still up in the air. Do we have baby #4 or not?

So that’s where we’re at. There is a box of diapers sitting in our garage just waiting. Whether it’s waiting for one more of our babies or for some other baby entirely, has yet to be seen.

This Whole Amy Glass Brouhaha

So in case you don’t regularly follow Mommy/”Feminist” flame wars, here’s the scoop: A woman named Amy Glass wrote a piece which appeared on Thought Catalog, entitled “I Look Down On Young Women With Husbands and Kids And I’m Not Sorry.” You can go read the whole thing here if you feel like raising your blood pressure. In a nutshell, she contends that a woman with a husband and children is limiting herself to the point that she will never be truly exceptional, and that she does the whole feminist/equality movement a disservice by claiming to be as important as a career woman without a family. Obviously, the sentiment she expressed did not go over well. She wrote a “clarification,” which, while less abrasive in its language, is still insulting.

So what do I think about it? I’ll be honest, my first reaction was to be highly offended. Her line, “Every time I hear someone say that feminism is about validating every choice a woman makes I have to fight back vomit,” is particularly grating. It is that kind of attitude from a minority of feminists which makes other women hesitant to label themselves feminists as well. Belittling women for following one path or another does no good. It only further divides women into even more “us vs. them” groupings. (As if there aren’t enough divisions already.) Also, by placing limited value on the work of a stay at home wife and mother, I contend she is part of the problem. Why don’t we value child care and the keeping of one’s home? Why are those jobs so lowly that any woman who chooses to pursue them is seen as lazy, lacking ambition, or deluded into thinking it’s the best use of her time and energy? As a stay at home mom and wife, I know I have value. I know that what I do is worthwhile. In fact, I would argue that at this point in time, my staying at home and fulfilling this role is more valuable to my family than if I were to pursue a career outside the home.  My kids know Mama is always there when they need her, my husband knows that things at home are handled even when he can’t be here. As a military family, my staying home provides a sense of stability in a chronically unstable life. To me, that’s important. More important than a six-figure paycheck, or being able to backpack across Asia on a whim.

I’ll concede that in her clarification piece I do agree with her on one point, that a woman should not give up on developing herself. Where we part ways is her belief that you cannot do so with the “distractions” of a family. I’m not always at liberty to think of myself first or to follow a particular fancy right then and there, but I don’t neglect myself. It’s all about priorities. I read, I try to keep up with current events, I explore new hobbies. I call that development.

In her clarification Glass also claims that she looks down on family women, because she views them as “weak.” She contends such women do not question their given social roles, making them weak and worthy of her scorn. Being in a traditional role does not make someone weak, and to imply that the women who do it only do so because they don’t have the gumption to try for something more is insulting. As a military wife, I am surrounded by stay at home moms and wives from various different backgrounds. They are exceptional women who for one reason or another are choosing to stay at home. Their strength is put into their families and their communities. You show me a military wife who is “weak,” and I’ll show you one who probably won’t be a military wife very long.

So yes, I take offense at Glass’ assertions. I think all she has done is flame the fires of division between all women. In the end though, I don’t feel as much insulted by her as I do sad for her. Her words conveyed such as sense of bitterness that I can not help but pity her. Bitterness is a poison. So much bitterness in one heart can only leave a person cold and empty. If these pieces were just the bitter rantings of a hurting woman, I hope she can let the bitterness out and move on. I’ll live my life in the manner I see fit and she will do the same. We are no more and no less than each other, only different.